Yom HaZikaron 2008

This year was my first year for the Memorial Day/Independence Day circuit as a citizen. I have been here before on these, two of the most awesome (in both meanings of the word) days of the year to be an Israeli. In Israel, Memorial Day and Independence Day are the complete opposite of what they are in America. There is no such thing as celebrating with shopping or football games. This two day period is for family time, reflecting, remembering, mourning, and then celebrating like there will be no tomorrow! Everything shuts down and everyone celebrates (Memorial Day is a half workday unless you request to get off).

This year I wanted to take advantage of everything and really experience it all. Memorial Day is marked here with a siren that sounds throughout the ENTIRE country. When the siren sounds everything stops and everyone stands at attention. Traffic stops and people get out of their cars to stand together with the rest of the nation for a minute of true silence and reflection. This year I had been at an engagement party in the early evening but wanted to be in a public place to be able to properly observe the moment of silence and to be outside with the rest of everyone while it happened. I went down to Emek Refaim (the main street by my house) and sat on a bench for 10 minutes watching the people go by until the siren went off. The sound is piercing and in the complete silence all around you it’s as if you can feel the sound of the siren reverberating through your body. It is haunting. It feels like something is entering your soul—standing there with everyone else doing nothing but thinking about the fact that it is Memorial Day is an incredible thing. That feeling is one of the reasons I want to live here. That feeling means that I am part of something greater than I am, that is worth dying for. And those who have made the ultimate sacrifice so that I may live safely and free in my homeland are worth remembering.

Later that evening I went with my friend Noam, who is currently serving in a combat unit, to the neighborhood ceremony. Every area has their own little ceremony to commemorate those who fell from their communities. It was small and personal and really nice. I haven’t lived here long enough to recognize most of the names of those who had fallen in battle or who had been killed in terror attacks, but Noam who has lived here his whole life knew of many of them. It was a somber evening and very much befitting the occasion.

The next morning I went with my friend Arielle and David’s brother Ari to the National War Cemetery at Har Hertzl. On Memorial Day morning there is a major ceremony presided over by the Prime Minister and Minister of Defense, but more importantly it is a time to go visit graves of soldier who you knew or didn’t know or maybe those who’s stories you heard once or those who have no one left to visit them at all. This was the first time that I had a specific grave that I wanted to visit. Over a year ago, a soldier was killed in some sort of parachuting accident during advanced training. The details have never been released… He used to come spend almost every summer in Houston visiting his grandmother and uncle so we were very friendly. He also grew up with David in Efrat. I was in Austin for the funeral and when they had a memorial service for him I was in the country but sick and couldn’t go. It was important for me to be able to at least visit his grave once. The other thing about going to Har Hertzl on Yom HaZikaron is that it’s packed. More packed than the most popular concert. It is packed with people from all walks of society. Another aspect of Israel that I love so much is that everyone fights together and unfortunately everyone dies together, but at the end of the day all differences are put aside and religious and non-religious people hug each other and cry and share memories because we are all one people. (I purposely didn’t say anything about the Charedim…don’t get me started)

We found the grave but it was already surrounded by his former unit and other friends and family members who came to pay their respects. Because we were relatively late, we couldn’t get too close and instead ended up next to a grave farther along the row. The grave happened to be of a soldier, named Roi Klein, who had been a student (a few years older and already married with children) at David’s Yeshiva. His story is that during the Second Lebanon War he was up in Lebanon as an officer with his troops when a grenade was thrown to where they were all clustered. Rather than run and take the chance that only most of his unit would be either killed or seriously injured, he jumped on the grenade. His last words were the Shema as he absorbed the blast and saved the lives of every single one of his soldiers. His sacrifice is of the highest level and I felt honored to be able to pay my respects to such a wonderful man on such an important day.

Another siren sounds on the morning of Memorial Day to mark the beginning of the official ceremony. The siren had the same affect of me in the morning except I was a bit too squished to feel too much emotion. The ceremony was broadcast over speakers throughout the cemetery and was pretty routine. At the end though, with the singing of the national anthem, the Hatikvah (the hope), I began to lose it. Standing there in the packed cemetery amidst all of the families of fallen soldier, current soldiers, and regular citizens coming to pay respects with everyone singing at the top of their lungs about the hope to “be a free nation in our land, the land of Zion and Jerusalem” and knowing that it is coming true. Because of the graves we were standing next to we have a country to sing about and to be proud of and to live in. It was truly an amazing thing. I could hardly get the words out I was crying so hard because I was sad because I was happy to be here because I am scared that with the way things are going things might not continue to be so great. I was crying because I had the opportunity to stand among my brethren and say to the world that we are here and we are alive and we are strong and we aren’t going anywhere. It’s days like that that tell me that I made the right decision and that this is where I belong.

The next punch came when the crowd around me started to spontaneously sing “Ani Maamin” which basically states our believe that one day the messiah will come and that no matter how bad things get we will not lose hope and faith. This is when I REALLY started to lose it. Seeing the parents of so many soldiers sing this song with strong voices made me feel week. I wish I could posses the strength that these people have in their pinkie finger. They have lost children and siblings and parents and friends and still nothing can shake their hope and their faith and their strength. I feel a sense of unbelievable empowerment just being in the same space as these wonderful people.

I don’t know what was happening in the other areas of the cemetery (which is HUGE) but I was in the most recently filled area with victims of the last war and other tragedies since. There has been a movement within the National Religious sector to emphasize the importance of army service and not just as the bare minimum but as a serious “donation” to the country and to society. The yeshiva where David studied encourages its students to sign on optional time in the army and to join combat units as well as “less prestigious” units to try to raise the overall level in the entire army by being good people and a good example. This 20-something year old movement has really born fruit. There are religious officers and soldiers all over the army and not-so-slowly climbing the ranks (in officers school about 1/3 of the cadets are religious even though they represent less than 10% of the population). This was clearly evident by the overwhelming number of religious Jews standing by the graves of their loved ones. The area of the cemetery was filled with a majority of national religious fallen soldiers and it was truly heartwarming to see what an influence and a difference this movement is having on the army and the rest of the country.

Little Observations, Pesach, and My Birthday 5/5/08

So I always promise myself that whenever I think of something to update I will actually do it—turns out I’m a much better procrastinator than I had imagined. (Obviously I am writing right now so that I will have a legitimate excuse not to do my homework)

It has been a big last month! I turned 21 and had one of the most amazing birthdays ever. David took 2 days vacation off of the army and we went up north to the Golan. I had never really spent any time up there and it was wonderful for me to get to familiarize myself with a new part of my country. I was also just so happy to get to spend so much consecutive uninterrupted time with David (when it wasn’t Shabbat). Tons of things didn’t go as planned (the visibility was terrible so all of the views of the kinneret were blurry, we didn’t end up camping on the beach, we didn’t cook out rather we “cooked out” in his cousins backyard, we didn’t sleep well so we didn’t hike well and didn’t make it to the pools we wanted to get to) but it was all great to me because all I wanted was the time away together. It was absolutely perfect.

From then I was on vacation for Pesach for just over 2 weeks! It was wonderful. I did a lot of relaxing and a lot of cleaning and I spent the Chag with David’s family which was really nice. It was my first Pesach away from my parents but fortunately the people who led Seder did it similarly enough to the way we have always done it that I felt at home. Plus I was with David which always makes me happy. It was also wonderful to know that I was doing the Seder and that I wouldn’t have to do it again the next night. Being Israeli is awesome!

During Chol Hamoed I was VERY busy! David and I went to visit the Herodion (sight of one of Herod’s fortresses/palaces) which I’ve been wanting to get to for a long time!

The next day I went to visit my cousins in Neve Ilan and that evening David’s family was having a reunion so I went to that which was really pleasant and a lot of fun! The next day was when the real fun started! My friend Shevy had gotten tickets to one of the concerts at the Ahava festival at the dead sea (Ehud Banai and Maschina) hoping that she could find someone to go with her! It was awesome. We decided to save money and hitchhike the whole way. The concert didn’t start until 10pm but we left Jerusalem around 6ish. We got great rides from really nice people all along the way. The concert was FANTASTIC and I had so much fun but it was during a heat wave and even at 2am when the concert was ending it was at least 90 degrees!!! We made it back to my place by 3:30 but for some reason I didn’t sleep so well ☹

The next day I went up to David’s base (which is much more of a schlep than I could have ever imagined) to visit him and play at the beach right next door. It took me so long to get there that we only had about an hour there before we had to run to go to some engagement parties. We went to tel aviv for one of his best friends’ from yeshiva’s engagement and then we rushed down to beer sheva to my cousin eliana’s engagement party (well the tail end at least). It was a very family oriented week and a great opportunity for both David and I to meet each other’s extended families!

The next day David went up to Yeshiva for a visit and Elana came over to play with me! She is here for the semester studying in Haifa and it was the first time we got to see each other!! She looks fabulous and is having a great time.

Chag was nice and then Sunday was back to school (bummer).

Ok jumping forward. Remember those orange trees that were on the street that I talked about so proudly a few months ago? Well in order to accommodate the new light rail system it looks like they are all going to be taken down. It makes me really sad and sort of goes along with how my optimism for the future of this country under its current leadership is significantly dropping. I still wouldn’t want to be anywhere else but it is incredibly frustrating.

Last week my friend Yoni turned 20. He is a Lone Soldier (aka he is serving in the army but has no immediate family here) I’ve kind of adopted him. He does his laundry by us and we are very strong emotional supports for each other (and David is a great army resource!) To celebrate his birthday he wanted to have a Seudah Shlishit (afternoon Shabbat meal) at his apartment. Because his place is too small we had to eat outside (his street is closed to motor traffic and is really pleasant) we were a nice sized group of 20ish people sitting outside and singing and enjoying Shabbat and it was really a beautiful experience. Here we were in the heart of downtown Jerusalem sitting in the street singing as Shabbat was ending. Even if yoni and his friends weren’t all musical it would have been a special experience. David was even convinced that some tourists were going to stop and take pictures. Once Shabbat ended the guys decided to daven Maariv together. Since there was clearly no room inside they just started the service right where they were in the middle of the street. It was a beautiful thing to see 15 guys praying together in the middle of the street in the middle of the city. These kinds of things give me the chills and make me so happy that I live here. It was just so natural (but there was a tourist who took pictures) and felt so right that it’s the kind of thing that can only happen in Israel and especially in Jerusalem.

Now I’m just attempting to stay motivated in school… I’m so close to the end and my grades don’t count for next year!! This week is Yom Hazikaron (Memorial Day) and Yom Haatzmaut (Independence day) and I am really excited. I’m hoping to make it to Har Hertzel to the National War Cemetery on Memorial Day and then I think im going to visit David on the beach by his base and have a bbq!!

BIG Changes

I made Aliyah under the (incredibly wrong) impression that once I made this major life change everything else would seem like a piece of cake. Surprisingly and thankfully I have found the first almost full year (wow) to be smooth and calm and I really feel that I slipped into my life here with no adjustment problems. I moved into an area that I know very well and surrounded by friends whom I’ve known for a long time. During this year of Ulpan, my Hebrew has improved by leaps and bounds and I no longer feel bound by any form of language barrier. I have learned how to navigate the bureaucratic system with few traumatic stories, and above all else I really truly feel at home here.

The question next becomes “Which here do I identify as my home?” Jerusalem in particular or greater Israel in general? Unfortunately for me I have not explored as much of greater Israel as I would have liked by this point. That’s why I am freaking out about the major changes that are about to take place in my life. David and I are planning to move to Givat Shmuel (a city near Tel Aviv) so that I can study at Bar Ilan University and he can be close to his base and come home every day. Literally everything will change aside from the fact that I will still be in the same country.

I am getting married, I am moving to a new city, and I am starting at yet another new university. That is a lot to take in all at once and I am just blown away by how stressed I am about the changes. I really truly believed that I couldn’t possibly ever worry about changes in my life again. I guess I am starting to realize that monumental change in monumental change no matter how much change has come before it and as people we tend to cling to what we know and shy away from the trauma of getting to know something new.

Fortunately, along with my trepidation I am super excited. I CAN NOT WAIT to be married to David. The long engagement thing is really convenient in that we have plenty of time to plan and are giving our friends and family time to make travel arrangements. The long engagement also gives us time to adjust to the idea of being married for real, but at the end of the day 10 months feels like way too long. We are both so ready to start our lives together: we want to start building our own routine independent of anyone else, we want to set up our house, and most importantly we just want to be able to be together for real, for good. It will be great also to live in Givat Shmuel. Because of its proximity to the campus it is a haven for young people and as Bar Ilan is a relatively religious place there are a TON of young married couples who will be in the same situation as we are for us to socialize with. The base is also only 20 minutes away as opposed to an hour and a half from Jerusalem which will make our first few years together more pleasant because he won’t be commuting so much. I also can’t wait to start school. I have been waiting for years to finally decide what it is that I will study and just the knowledge that I have made the decision and been accepted to the program I want is a fantastic feeling! I will be getting a degree in Israel Studies and Archaeology as well as the government’s tour guide certification. I am so excited. I find the subject fascinating (obviously) and am so so so excited to learn. All of these changes are wonderful and thank G-d they are all happening and things are finally coming together for me, even if I have done things a bit out of order!!

p.s. I am also turning 21 in 11 days!! Crazy right?

Hiatus/Happy Purim! 20/3/08

Sorry for the hiatus…. there have been a ton of goings on here (mostly negative) and sometimes I get so frustrated and upset and depressed that I don’t have the energy to express my thoughts clearly on paper. I still have a hard time expressing how I feel, but there are some who do a much better job than I do. If you have never read anything by Daniel Gordis then you should. On his website, Danielgordis.org, are posted his “dispatches” where he writes beautifully about Israel etc. His latest post is incredibly powerful and really speaks to how I feel the situation is here. Check it out. His latest book is also one of the major things that gave me the continued strength to make aliyah and know that I was making the right decision.

On other notes things are going well. Wedding planning is kicking into a different gear. The invitations are almost finished (the design not the printing) and David and I have started to actively look for a place to live! AH scary! Ha-ha. I am planning to go to Bar Ilan next year to study “Land of Israel Studies and Archaeology” and I am SOOOOOOOOOOO excited! Bar Ilan is significantly closer to David’s base and since he will be commuting every day it will mean a huge increase in our quality of life. I am working on getting around to going to register with the Rabbinate to get married. It sounds like such an unpleasant process that I’m really not looking forward to it! Also. I’m sick (again) this week and know that I don’t have the energy to deal with them right now!!!! It is such a shame that the Rabbinate is part of almost every major religious lifecycle event and yet it is often upsetting and difficult to work with them. Why should all of our happy occasions be marred by a trip to see the mean Rabbis who control everything?

For Purim this year I am taking the easy way out: I’m dressing up as a soldier from David’s unit. Not only do I get to wear a uniform (which makes costume choosing so easy) but I get to wear his flight suit which is like a big people version of foot-less footie-pajamas and I can’t wait. Purim will be a bit calm this year because im still in bed and getting over a violent cold ☹.

Hope everyone has a fun and meaningful Purim and is having an easy fast!

I never posted snow pictures....

Wedding Week 27/2/08

Two weeks ago my mom was here for a WHOPPING 6 days to help with wedding planning stuff. It was amazing and crazy and overwhelming and exhausting but somehow we actually accomplished everything we had set out to do. Aside from the fact that I can focus on school knowing that a significant portion of the big decisions have been made, the experience of spending the entire week with my mom and future mother in law was wonderful. I am so lucky that they like each other and get along!!! It was adorable to watch the two of them walk into every meeting with their various folders and just take care of everything right away. I was blown away and I loved it. It was also really nice getting to spend some extra time with my mom! I love being here but I miss my family every day and its nice to get to see at least one of my family members. Ok that’s about it, I mostly wanted to gush about the amazing week with my mommy ☺ hope everyone is having a good one!

Im Yesh Gan Eden 31/1/08

I finished reading the book Im Yesh Gan Eden (Beaufort in English) and I can’t stop thinking about it. The book (now made into a movie, that I haven’t seen yet, that has been nominated for an Oscar) is about the First Lebanon War and Israel’s disengagement from their “security zone” whose purpose was to protect the cities and towns in the North from attack by Hezbollah. The book follows the military service of the last unit to pull out of one of the main fortresses in the Israeli defensive line. It is the first full book I have read in Hebrew and it was amazing. I read it in less than 2 weeks and couldn’t put it down or stop thinking about it. Aside from being written very well and in a captivating and absorbing style, the story that follows the lives and deaths of a dozen or so soldiers raises serious questions that I think will haunt me for a long time.

The first part of the book describes their first round of service in the Beaufort fortress in Southern Lebanon. It is a tough life but the soldiers persevere and work hard to succeed because they know that the security of the Northern half of the county rests with them. By the time they start their second “tour” at the fortress, the government has already decided to withdraw all troops from Lebanon. The soldiers return to even harsher conditions but without the conviction that what they are doing has any purpose. They are continually discouraged as their comrades die and they no longer are able to convince themselves that they are fighting for a cause. Why die here now when in 4 months we are going to retreat? The book also describes the general public’s reaction to the whole affair. They lose patience and put pressure on the soldiers and make their missions even more difficult. They are dieing and the people they are trying to protect aren’t even proud of them.

The most chilling part of the book is the end. The narrator in a bout of nostalgia wishes he could return to the area of the fort but rather than a military outpost he will find an internationally acclaimed resort. He knows this will never be the case and says that the next time he will return it will be in another war. Hezbollah will kidnap soldiers and start firing rockets on the North. The Air Force will think they can win the war alone but in the end it is the ground troops who will reenter Lebanon and fight house to house to protect the country. The book was published a year before the Second Lebanon War broke out and that is exactly what happened.

I can’t stop thinking about now how awful it all is. I can’t stop thinking about the number of soldiers who lost their lives well after the government gave up on the mission and decided to withdraw. I can’t stop thinking about how we keep handing land over to the enemy on a silver platter without any consideration to our strategic defense. I can’t help thinking that I live in a place with an irresponsible government who care more about the politics than about the results of their decisions. I can’t stop thinking about people who are of the delusional opinion that there really is a peace process and that there is a rational partner to peace. Why don’t people see that we have an enemy and the only way to protect ourselves is to fight fire with fire? Why does my home have such a terrible identity crisis that its citizens can’t band together to fight for a common goal and understand the importance of this land as a Jewish land?

I feel heavy and upset and deflated. I am here because I am idealistic. I believe that the Jews need to be together in the Jewish homeland. I believe that there is no other place for me in the world. But at the same time, I sometimes feel that the problems here run so deep that we will never be able to fix them. Sometimes I just want to cry for all of the people who have died seemingly for nothing. It makes me want to scream that slick and evil politicians like Olmert are still in office and refuse to take responsibility for their actions administering a war that couldn’t be won under the conditions the army was given. As much as I love being here sometimes it hurts me physically. Where will we be in 20 years? Will there even still be an Israel? I pray that there will be and that one day we will have leaders who will be willing and able to make the tough decisions that will truly solidify our nationhood. Until then I don’t know. I simply don’t know and it makes me want to cry.