The Life of an Army Wife 17/5/09

I am very proud of David and the work he does in the army. He works very hard in a very important job, and I know that he is actively contributing to the security of this country. Unfortunately this all comes at the expense of his time with me. After about 3 and a half years together I am more than used to getting by on my own and filling my time without him, but I always have a guilty feeling in the pit of my stomach when I’m having fun without him. Usually, When David is away and I’m having fun he’s doing something physically and mentally tasking and not fun at all. A perfect example is our pre-wedding menu-tasting: David was on a field exercise eating kosher spam and barely sleeping while I got to have a fabulous gourmet meal with family and friends in anticipation of the wedding. I don’t think David has ever gotten over that disappointment and is still waiting for us to be invited to another wedding at the same hall so he can finally taste the food. We have finally reached a new stage in our “he leaves me home alone” relationship: I am starting to take longer trips for school and during the summer I will be gone for two weeks straight for an archaeological dig. And I’m torn. After all of this time that he’s had to leave me for really important things I feel even more guilty for leaving him and extending the stretches of time that we won’t be able to be together. I guess I have to get used to it if I want to be a tour guide and be bouncing around the country all the time! All of this is practice for the real world, because as I try to keep reminding myself, its not only the army that separates us, its life and we have to get used to being together while being apart. It sounds ironic that this would be an issue for us after all of the time I spent in the states while we were together, but its so different now that we’re married and have gotten used to seeing each other all the time!!

A Proper Memorial Day 7/5/09 (Warning, It’s Long)

Last Week was Israeli Memorial Day and Independace Day. The experience here in Israel is very different from that in America, and this year my experience was truly special. Unfortunately David was on duty the entire time so I made plans with friends to take the car and have a real Memorial Day. I went with my friends Merav and Shira who are both tour guides, know every inch of this country by heart, and love to find special things. I was their chauffer and they were my guides on what has so far been the most moving and meaningful Memorial Day I have ever experienced. We had to have David on base by 7am so we got a really early start. Our first destination was a place called “Givat Tom ve’Tomer” (Tom and Tomer Hill). It is a personal memorial on the outskirts of Kibbutz Negba to the 73 soldiers who were killed in the “Helicopter Tragedy” February 4, 1997. Two transport helicopters collided in mid-air and everyone aboard was killed. The father of one of the soldiers, a resident of the Kibbutz, had a very hard time recovering from the loss of his son. He decided to build a personal memorial and garden in memory of his son and of the other fallen soldiers. The site is barely a hill, but you can see it from far away because the electric pole that runs through is painted like a sky with 73 doves on it in memory of each of the soldiers. We were there by 7:30 just as the caretaker was setting up for the day- they already had tens of groups planning to come. He explained that the father had recently had a stroke and that he takes care of the garden for him. He asked us to help him clean off the signs as we were walking through if we didn’t mind. Obviously we didn’t. The garden was small but beautiful and so unbelievably peaceful. He purposely planted only plants that are indigenous to Israel because, as he wrote on one of the plaques in the garden, that this was the greenery that the soldiers walked through and served in and experienced during their service and it was a tribute to them. All throughout the garden are places to stop and sit and reflect as well as large stone memorials bearing the names of all of the fallen, where they were from, where they served, and whatever other little anecdotes their families wished to have added. All throughout the garden are newspaper clippings and letters from the families about their loved ones. It is a small and nondescript place, but it is filled with so much love and pain and memory that it was tangible. Places like this exist all over the country and it was nice to get to see one for myself. I had a very strange feeling while walking through the garden. I felt as if I were an outsider encroaching on other peoples lives and other peoples pain. My friends were very emotional thinking about all of their friends and loved ones who have fallen- and the number is unfortunately not small, and all I could think about was an additional facet to the sacrifice that I made when I decided to move here. My children will know this pain. They will be surrounded with it their entire lives and I have brought it upon them. My friends thought that this was a very interesting observation and I think started to understand a bit more what exactly is entailed in making Aliyah.
Our next stop was to a nearby hill that was capture by Battalion 53 of the Givati Bridage in the War of Independence. This Battalion doesn’t exist anymore, but many of its soldiers are still alive. Every year they have a ceremony on that hill (where there is also a memorial). Shira found the place a year and a half ago. She is from that area and had always passed by without ever stopping in to check it out. One day she went with friends just before Memorial Day and there was an old man there who was missing a hand and was setting things up. They started talking to him and it turns out that he was one of the soldiers in the Battalion (he lost his hand in the war… he was a sapper who had laid all of the mines in the whole area) and was in charge of the ceremony every year. The girls stayed there for a few hours listening to his story and they promised to come back for the ceremony. Shira couldn’t make it because her grandmother had passed away and she needed to be with her family so it was especially important for her to go this year. She had stayed in touch with him and he even sent her books that were written about the Battalion. His biggest fear is that once the remaining members of the Battalion pass away there will be no one to conduct the ceremony in honor of their fallen heroes from the War of Independence. When we got there he immediately recognized her and it was clear just how happy he was that we had come and that Shira had remembered. The ceremony was simple and sweet and showed that these men were true heroes. The man honored to light the memorial flame was in a wheelchair and needed 3 people to help him make it to the platform but he wanted to walk and nothing was going to stop him. This man had commanded a convoy that came under attack and then was abandoned by other forces when the convoy got stuck in the mud. He commanded his troops for almost 8 hours stuck inside their armored vehicles under constant enemy fire without food or water until help could reach them. He kept them all alive. The Battalion Commander, who is 94 and still completely lucid, also spoke. Even at 94 it was clear that this man was a wonderful leader and a powerful influence on people. He said that 61 years after the war he still feels the need to apologize to the families who’s sons and brothers and fathers he wasn’t able to keep safe. This man helped start the Nachal Brigade as well as was a founding member of a few of Israel’s cities. It was truly an honor to be part of such a special and rare and almost extinct ceremony.
Next we went to the military cemetery in Kiryat Anavim in the Jerusalem hills (actually it’s the town directly down the mountain from where I got married) where the fallen from the Palmach’s “Har’el Brigade” are buried. The ceremony itself was the usual standard government ceremony with yet another 2 minute siren (see my last post about the sirens). It was special because a distant relative of Merav’s was killed in the Battle for the Castel and her family came to visit his grave. The other reason coming to this specific ceremony is special is because all of the former Palmachniks who are still alive come to honor their friends. When the ceremony is over they stay and talk. They talk about their war experiences and their friends to anyone who is willing to listen. We stayed for two hours after the ceremony to listen to them talk. These men standing and sitting before us are the people who liberated Jerusalem and broke the siege. It was amazing to get to sit and listen to the people that I’ve been learning about in school talk about one of the most interesting and exciting times in Israel’s short history. I felt truly honored to be in their presence and still can’t believe that I was so lucky to be able to be there and here the stories first hand.
Since we were so close to my cousin’s house we popped in for a visit and then we had a picnic in nearby Yad Hashmona (a town that was founded in memory of Holocaust victims) in an area looking over the mountains. Shira and Merav had brought a guitar with them and had downloaded the chords and lyrics for every Memorial Day song that exists. All day during the drives they were playing and singing. During our picnic we just sat for hours singing songs and enjoying the wonderful country that we are so lucky to have.
For the transition ceremony between Memorial Day and Independence Day I went to Efrat with David’s family because they always have a really sweet and nice ceremony. During the ceremony they have people they wish to honor light torches “for the Glory of the State of Israel”. The first family honored to light a torch was the Goodman Family. Many of you will know them through their Houston branch. Their son Yoesf was killed in a parachuting accident in February 2006. The family currently has 3 other sons serving in the army. All of them are in combat positions and two are in the very same unit that Yosef served in. When Ann and Goodman (the mother) walked onto the stage with her sons all in uniform and their father Mordechai I already started to tear up. Ann walked up the microphone and said with pride in her voice that they were lighting the torch in honor of the soldiers and all of the defense forces with pride and love and understanding of personal sacrifice. I totally lost it. Standing in front of me were the true heroes of this country. Instead of being angry about the loss of their son and demanding that their others not go to the army or serve in only non-combat positions, they understand Zionism and love for this country and they sent their other sons to battle anyway. These are the people on whose backs and hearts this country has been built and is continuing to be supported. Without people like the Goodmans who are filled with the utmost sense of purpose and dedication we would be nowhere. I am proud to know a family like that and hope that one day I will be able to be even a fraction as strong as they are.

Heart Piercing Unity 21/4/09

Today is Yom Hashoah Ve’Hagevura (Holocaust Remembrance Day). The way Israel marks today as well as Memorial Day for Fallen Soldiers (next week) is by the sounding of an air raid siren simultaneously across the whole country. Everything and Everyone stops and stands at attention during the siren in a moment of non-silence. The sound of the siren fills you in a similar way that I feel the shofar does. When you stand at attention and let the sound pierce your heart and mind it forces you to take a deep breath and really think about things. It is not a sound that one can ignore. This morning I had the privilege of being at home during the siren where I have a view of part of the Bar Ilan campus as well as Highway 4 which is one of Israel’s main North/South routes. I was almost afraid that people wouldn’t stop and respect the siren on the highway, but my worry was proven unfounded. Huge semi-trailers grounded to a halt, people got out of their cars, and people everywhere just stood at attention. Only in Israel could the entire country bind together for an entire minute and a half of complete unity and complete understanding of why there is a need to take time to remember in the first place. Being able to experience that unity so strikingly brings me to tears every time. I don’t think I would be willing to give up this remarkable place for anything.

Becoming a Soldier While Staying Human 28/1/09

Last night David and I had the incredible pleasure of standing in for Yoni’s parents at his unit’s Parent’s Night. Yoni is a lone soldier and one of our best friends. We have in many ways “adopted” him and are always thrilled to be able to be there for him in any way we can while he goes through so much and his family is so far away. Aside from the great experience of simply being there for Yoni, last night was a very inspiring evening and really got me thinking.

Yoni is a squad commander (I think that’s the translation…basically it’s the lowest level commander that belongs to each unit.) He has a small group of soldiers under his personal command and he is their link to the officers, the person with whom they come into contact the most, and the first person they go to with their problems. It was so nice to get to see him with his soldiers and to meet his officers and all of the people he spends all day every day with.

The evening started out with food (more munchies than dinner but whatever) and schmoozing. Then the commanding officer gave a nice speech and handed out certifications of recognition to soldiers and commanders who are excelling. After commending the soldiers, the commanding officer honored a few parents who have gone above and beyond to make sure that everything the unit needs is taken care of. They planned a Chanukkah Party for the unit and spoiled them like crazy apparently.

The end of the evening was a concert. One of the soldiers mothers used to be in a famous old school Israeli band (Gevatron) and organized to have a famous Mizrachi (the nasal whiney music that sounds like its in Arabic) singer come and perform for the soldiers and their families. The soldiers pretty quickly jumped out of their seats and went down to dance. It was so fun and funny watching them dance together. These awkward boys who have been in the army only 6 months were jumping around and having fun together, and their parents got to see it. The evening made me do a lot of thinking…

I have always wondered how Israeli society can exist as such a militarily centered society and still be so normal. (Israel has plenty of other problems, but I don’t think they come from the army exclusively.)The goal of basic and advanced training is to take boys and break them so they can be reshaped into men, into soldiers. I have many friends who are soldiers and it has always fascinated me how they seem to snap into and out of their army personas. David is not a combat soldier and while he has a bit of the same schizophrenia like personality change his are less extreme. Last night I got an interesting glimpse into the world that produces killing machines (for all intents and purposes) that can still go home to their families on the weekends and be the same person they were when they left. Watching the boys, and they are very very much still children, letting loose and dancing and smiling and having fun made me want to cry. Watching them dance with their units and officers and grow close to them was heartwarming. I couldn’t help but think that in the next war these boys would be fighting alongside these friends and putting their lives on the line for each other and for all of the rest of us. The importance of the trust and love and bonds between these boys as they grow into men was not lost on me. I don’t think it was lost on the parents present either.

Brothers in Arms I think is a great term to describe the phenomenon. The soldiers can stay human because the bonds built between them and their comrades are human. Together with their officers they are building a supportive family. They are working very hard to train for a very hard job that is for the benefit of us all. They can stay human because their task is a just task. Protecting the Jewish Nation is one of the most just tasks any Jew can take on. They go into battle with their heads held high because they know they are protecting themselves, their brothers, and all of their loved ones back at home. The path is not an easy one, and each one of those soldiers would rather be traveling the world or starting college. They understand the need for them and the importance of their mission. They have volunteered to be where they are because as long as we live in a place that needs protecting there will be people volunteering to protect us.

I don’t know how I’m going to feel as the years go by and my children enter the army. I maintain no illusions that by the time I have children and they are old enough to go into the army there will be no need for an army. Israel will always have to fight for its existence. It is depressing, but it is what I believe. At least right now I feel good knowing that the army they will be going into will at least try to build them into better and stronger people who understand the importance of their mission and who can hold their heads high while accomplishing it.

I Have Friends In Hebrew!!! 28/1/09

I have reached one of the most important milestones that a new immigrant to any place can reach. I have friends in Hebrew. They are real friends and not just people that I smile at during class while I sit alone too afraid and uncomfortably to really talk to. We hang out outside of class. We talk on the phone. We share things. We are real friends- and our only common language is not my mother tongue. It is relatively easy to reach a level of fluency where casual conversation with random people is possible or where grocery shopping isn’t a nightmare or where the bus drivers know what you are asking them. The next big step is being able to understand most of what you see or hear or read. That comes with a bit more effort and makes life so much easier. But to bridge the final gap that is more mental and cultural than anything else is where the real challenge lies.

Bar Ilan has a very large Anglo population. If I wanted, I could make a group of English speaking friends and only speak Hebrew in my actual classes. I speak English at home with David so there was no opportunity for me to practice before school started. Fortunately, I am in a department with no other native English speakers. There are some who were born here whose parents are American and who speak English fluently but they are Israeli’s and I didn’t realize they spoke English until months into the program. I entered a situation where it was either speak Hebrew or be lonely. I decided to just suck it up and speak Hebrew. It is such an amazing feeling when I realize that I spend entire days conversing and learning in the language that I have spent so much time and effort trying to learn. (Tip for potential Olim, Uplan is not a burden, it is the key to successful and easy absorption and it is a mistake to put it off.) I feel like I have really achieved something and I am so excited. My friends didn’t blink twice when they heard my accent or my sometimes halted speech. They just continued to talk to me as if nothing was strange. They correct me now and again for my benefit, but for the most part we have a completely normal relationship. It just makes me so happy and proud of myself. I no longer feel even a little bit left out of the world that I live in and now I really truly feel at home.

The only downside is that I am starting to lose my English. A friend told me that he heard that you can’t really learn a new language completely until you forget your mother tongue. Only then can you start to re-learn both languages at a truly fluent level. Well, I am at the stage of forgetting. Sometimes I can only think of a word in Hebrew and forget the English completely. The worst is when I know what I want to say but I can’t think of the exact word in either language. Then I feel completely lost. I am trying to keep up my reading in English but it only helps a little. David is useless in this matter because his English is much worse than mine and it is steadily declining the more he is in the army and has no opportunity to use English ever. Today I was giving a presentation on a paper I had written in Hebrew, but to be cute I wanted to say part of it in English since I had written about the US. In the middle I couldn’t think of a term and switched automatically back into Hebrew. It was really scary. I know that its just part of the normal process, but I hope that along with my gains in my new language my losses from my old won’t be too great.

New Year

**Disclaimer: I’m in bed sick with a sinus infection gone bad. I apologize in advance if some of the things I write don’t make complete sense. My brain is functioning on cold meds… but I couldn’t sit here anymore and not write anything.**

I just want to start out by stressing that David and I are both safe and sound. He is very busy in the army, but due to the nature of his job he is not and will not be fighting in any front lines. His unit is working in shifts so he is even able to come home relatively often to catch up on sleep and see me. We live in a city near Tel Aviv that is (for now at least) out of the range of the rockets coming in from Gaza.

It’s been a strange and surreal week and transition into the new year. It is surreal mostly because I am so far away from it all. I live too far away from Gaza to hear anything but the occasional jet flying overhead from one of the air force bases in the area. For all intents and purposes my life is going on completely normally. The main connection that I have to the war is the radio. They are announcing whenever there are sirens sounding in communities in the south. My only real picture of what it is like there is to read the news and to listen to the frequency of the sirens. It was the same way during the Second Lebanon War. I was in Jerusalem, and if I hadn’t been an informed citizen or hadn’t had a cousin fighting up there I would have had no idea that a war was on.

I’m not really sure what it is really that I am feeling or what it is that I mean to say. I pray and I hope with all of my being that this government doesn’t make the same mistakes it made two years ago. I hope we finish this fight and leave when we are ready and have fully achieved our goals to bring real security to the South. Last time, the government agreed on a cease-fire that brought us nothing because Hezbollah is still rearming and gathering strength on our Northern Border and UNIFIL is doing nothing to stop them. I hope that our soldiers are not going in and risking their lives for nothing. I am very scared for them. At this point in my life almost all of my friends are in the army. Most of them I know are not in Gaza itself, but there are many that I am not sure where they are or what they are doing. The scariest thing, I think is not knowing. I’ve been sitting at home (sick) for the last almost week and have been doing nothing but scouring the news for more and more information. Especially now that the ground incursion has started I listen to the news with bated breath and am relieved every time there is no report of new injuries.

It’s scary and upsetting the thought that we’re at war, but if we really can bring real quiet and security to the entire Southern part of the country then it is all worth it. We deserve the same right to self-defense that every other sovereign nation in the world deserves. I am proud that we are exercising it and pray the world will allow us to defend ourselves. The New Year passed here with little to no notice. Hopefully it will bring with it a new reality. Hopefully Israel can reassert its deterrence capability. Hopefully we can rid our borders of terrorists who’s goal is to destroy us.

Bureaucracy Rant 14/12/08

I’m sure I wrote a similar post over a year ago…but here we go again: the bureaucratic process in this country is absolutely unbelievable and only minimally tolerable. Since the wedding I have been dealing with government agencies non-stop. I had really thought that I was at the end of it all once I had finished dealing with all of the pre-wedding mess! As it turns out, all of the agencies with whom I had been previously dealing (Absorption Ministry, Student Authority, Interior Ministry, Housing Ministry) decided that once I got married I magically became a new entity and had to restart most of the processes I thought I had finished over a year ago. What have I been doing over the past while? First step was to get from the Religious Council in Efrat (where we registered the wedding info) our marriage document, which proves our marriage and affords me legal name change capabilities. I took that document to the Interior Ministry to get a new Identity Card and update my name in my “Passport” (I still travel on a temporary travel document—which they keep offering to renew for free…). Once things get updated in the Interior Ministry’s computer that’s when things start going wrong. I went to the Student Authority to register for this school year’s financial assistance (aka full tuition for all Immigrants). I brought all of the documents that I thought I would need. Everything was going great until she realized that I was newly married. I was told that I could not file for the money until I was updated in the system of the Absorption Ministry (the parent office), turned in an updated bank account statement that proves that my husband and I share a bank account (what if I wanted a separate account?!?), and filled out a direct WITHDRAWL form with the university. So off I went to take care of this long list of things.

It turned out that I had to move my bank from Jerusalem to Givat Shmuel because in Israel, unless you are at your branch, the only transaction you can do is withdraw or deposit money. They can’t even look up your account info. SO it took a few weeks for the papers to transfer and for David to be able to sign on it. Then I was able to get my new statement and the direct withdrawal form. In the meantime, David and I bought a car (she’s SO pretty). In order to reap the Immigrant Benefits I had to send literally every piece of Israeli (and some American) documentation to the Tax Authority. The process was supposed to take a few days but ended up taking weeks. One of the documents was my Immigrant Document—which it a MUST for the Absorption Ministry. While the Tax Authority was taking its time, my appointment with the Absorption Ministry came around. I didn’t have my document back so I called 4 days before to confirm that I could still come. The woman on the phone said that as long as I had my I.D card I would be fine. So I schlepped into Petach Tikvah and waited my turn. When the woman I sat with realized that I didn’t have my Immigrant Document as well she started yelling at me for wasting everyone’s time by coming without that vital packet of information (which could be looked up using my ID number, but they are stupid at government offices, what can ya do?) I started yelling back that I had called specifically to make sure I could still come and after arguing with me for 5 minutes the woman asked me what day I had called. Turns out that the woman who was on duty that day was new and didn’t know better. Awesome right? So I made a new appointment, which didn’t come out until the next month, and decided to wait for my money. [By the way, that same afternoon I got a call from the dealership telling me that the Tax Authority had just delivered my papers.]

A month later with all of my papers in hand I showed up at the Absorption Ministry again. This time I sat with a different woman. She was really dumb and could hardly read and typed so slowly it killed me. I was there for over 45 minutes to change my name, address, and bank account number. Literally. And she was the typical Russian worker who only kind of speaks Hebrew and spends most of your time with them schmoozing (yelling) in Russian to the other Russian ladies. It also means that if you are a Russian Immigrant you get much better treatment… So she is going on with my changes and when I tell her that I also need to hand in bank account update info (as per the request of the Student Authority) she told me that she doesn’t deal with anything to do with money and that I’ll have to make another appointment with someone else to update that information. I started arguing. As soon as I mentioned that it was for the Student Authority she said immediately “Oh, it’s for them? Sure I can take care of it for you.” Obviously. 45 Minutes later I was on my way. Ready to go to the Student Authority (almost) and ready to deal with my stopped rent subsidy. I am entitled to some form of rent assistance for 5 years. This is another one of those things that magically stops when you get married.

A few weeks ago David and I went to yet another office to file for our rent money. That really wasn’t so bad to be honest. I had already been through so many places in the last month that I had my file perfectly filled with all of the things I knew I would need. We just have to go back every year to sign again and show them our contract or else they stop payments. It seems that the government stops payments at any given opportunity, that way if people don’t notice that they aren’t getting money anymore the government saves. Gotta love fuzzy math!

Last week I collected the last remaining pieces of paper that I needed from the university and prepared myself to go to the Student Authority. I took a 10:10 bus from home into Tel Aviv. When I got there, I took a number when I came through security. By the time I made it to the floor of the offices there was hardly any space to move. The place was PACKED with students trying to secure their money. The number was to the first counter where the woman asked what you needed and then put you on a list to see various counselors based on your needs. When I got there, there were 25 people in front of me. It took almost an hour to be called to this first desk. When I did it took about 3 seconds and I was on a waiting list. About 20 minutes later it dawned on me that my name on my ID card and the name on my file was different. I asked the woman about it and she went to look for the file. After over 30 minutes of looking she couldn’t find it. She sent me to look in various stacks and boxes (g-d forbid anything be digital or in a filing cabinet). I couldn’t find it and started to get REALLY REALLY worried. In these agencies, the paper file is everything and they can’t function without it. Eventually they had their schlepper girl look for it and loe and behold it was in the place where it should have been in the first place. That minor heart attack aside, all I had to do was wait another hour and a half. FINALLY my turn came. It turns out that I hadn’t updated them since I dropped my minor, but since I hadn’t brought new documentation with me, and since I was taking the same number of class hours I just signed the form to get my money and left. Turns out I have to mail them (aka go back or they will never get it) each receipt to prove that the university actually took the money from my account that the government put in. Also I am signing that I understand that the gov. will deposit the money as they have it: aka, I have to pay and they will try to reimburse me. I was there for just over 3 hours.

Since the bus to get there comes once an hour I had to wait 40 minutes for the next bus. I spent about 20 in a mall because it was raining, and I spent the last 20 waiting at the stop because I wasn’t sure when the bus actually came and I REALLY did not want to miss it! By the time I got home I was exhausted and hungry, but I wasn’t done. I had to call my cellphone company to try to cancel an external service that I didn’t know I had that I really didn’t want. It took 4 phone calls to cancel the damn thing and in the end it took 3 seconds. Our Internet is also not working properly but I just don’t have the energy to deal with them right now, today. Instead I am letting out all of my frustration here.

Don’t get me wrong though. I might be complaining, but that doesn’t mean I regret for a second being here. This is just proof to my belief that if someone moves here because of any other reason other than that this is the only place in the world they want to be, they won’t be happy. As annoyed as I am this second, I still know that I made the right decision to move here. I love this place and some bureaucracy can’t make me hate it. But I would like to share some wisdom: patience, patience, and always bring every bit of documentation you can with you!!!